Book Recommendation: It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay
The permission to grieve intensely and without restraint was breath-taking, and so was the humanity found in the margins of page.
During a period of bereavement following the death of a close relative, a friend gave me a used copy of the book, It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine. Though touched by the gift, I immediately shelved it and moved on to the next task at hand, not ready to be with the heartache and uncertainty that now filled my present and future.
One evening after work, several months and multiple losses later, I drove around Tulsa aimlessly, unsure of what to do with all the hurt and sadness in my body and heart. I wasn’t sure how to make sense of what I experienced and I didn’t know how to articulate what I needed. I remember repeating the refrain, “I don’t know, I don’t know,” until this phrase no longer sounded coherent, just a series of strange sounds in my mind. When I finally made my way home, sick of holding it all by myself but no longer wanting to be alone in my car, I walked through the front door and was overcome by this sense that I needed to stop moving. It wasn’t logical and it wasn’t driven by anything except this physical feeling that stillness and rest was needed, and that I just needed to finally be with the suffering that I’d been trying so hard to keep away from. I know now that this moment was me finally opting in to caring for myself but at the time it felt like giving up, and I was scared. Despite years as a therapist, I didn’t know how to be with suffering and I didn’t know where to begin. In my living room that evening, I stood still for many moments and then I turned to my bookshelf and towards It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay. To this day, it is one of my favorite books about healing.
The author, Megan Devine, speaks up for the despairing by lovingly yet firmly rejecting platitudes about grief and loss. When you’ve lost what matters most to you, whether a person, a relationship, or an ideal, there’s no silver lining or lessons learned. With hope, time, and caring, sure, there can be healing and resolution. But right then and there when grief and loss arrive in your life, there’s just hurt, and so often you feel crazy, wrong, and worse when people don’t let you be with hurt and refuse to be with you in this hurt. The permission this book gave me to grieve openly and authentically, and to have expectations for how to be cared for in my pain, was so freeing. Devine shows up with the words much needed to articulate your grief and reframe the thoughts about grief (e.g. you’re not crazy, the world is crazy for expecting you to move on from your loss so quickly). It’s Okay You’re Not Okay gave me hope that I could be with my grief and it helped me to find the fit I needed from my support team as I journeyed with grief. With the support of a trusted therapist, self-care practices, time spent with loved ones, and wisdom gleaned from this book, I eventually learned not to minimize my grief but to make my world big enough to hold it with care. I will always be thankful for the gift that is It’s Okay You’re Not Okay, and if you are currently feeling detached and lost after grief, I hope it shows up fatefully for you the way it did for me