Book Recommendation: It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay
The permission to grieve intensely and without restraint was breath-taking, and so was the humanity found in the margins of page.
During a period of bereavement following the death of a close relative, a friend gave me a used copy of the book, It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Meg Devine. Though touched by the gift, I immediately shelved it and moved on to the next task at hand, not ready to be with the heartache and uncertainty that now filled my present and future.
Several months and multiple losses later, I drove around Tulsa aimlessly, unsure of what to do with all the hurt and sadness in my body and heart. I wasn’t sure how to make sense of what I experienced and I didn’t know how to articulate what I needed. I remember repeating the refrain, “I don’t know, I don’t know,” until this phrase no longer sounded coherent, just a series of strange sounds in my mind. When I finally made my way home, I walked through the front door and had this sense that I needed to stop moving and just be with this suffering. Despite years as a therapist, I didn’t know where to start and I felt afraid, paralyzed even. I stood still for many moments and then I turned to my bookshelf and towards It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay. To this day, it is one of my favorite books about healing.
The author, Meg Devine, speaks up for the despairing by lovingly yet firmly rejecting platitudes about grief and loss. When you’ve lost what matters most to you, whether a person, a relationship, or an ideal, there’s no silver lining or lessons learned. There’s just hurt and you need community to be with you in this hurt. The permission this book gave me to grieve openly and authentically, and to have expectations for how to be cared for in my pain, was so freeing. It’s Okay You’re Not Okay gave me hope that I could be with my grief, and with the support of a trusted therapist, self-care practices, and time spent with loved ones, I learned eventually learned how. I will always be thankful for this gift.